TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from place. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let us have Yet another put in which American Gentlemen can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: supply Everybody a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he need to stop using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Functions


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting interest from international buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel the place my PTSD can have convert-down assistance."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has Trump Tower Damascus allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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